Today is Pregnancy Loss Remembrance Day. October 15th.
Several years ago, I had a miscarriage. It was with my first pregnancy. The events that happened still leave questions in my mind today. I was diagnosed with a miscarriage at 6 weeks along. Sadly, it took my body over 3 months to recognize the miscarriage, even with medical intervention. So for 3 months, I endured endless morning sickness and pregnancy symptoms all while hiding my pain. Nobody knew. I went about my day as normal as possible, hiding the reminder I was pregnant, but not really. Only a couple friends knew what was going on through it all. But I pretended to be fine and that nothing had ever happened. That the whole thing would just fade as though it never occurred. For three months I lived in denial, while going to to doctor twice a week for blood draws and monthly for a shot. In the end, I ended up home alone the day I actually miscarried. The events of that day are beyond words for me. Nothing happened the way I was told it would. I will spare the details of my memories, but nothing was as it should have been. My entire miscarriage experience was not easy, it was traumatic and emotional. In the end we lost our first child and I suffered in silence. The pain has never gone away. I live with it still today.
It was not until my second pregnancy that I even started to talk about our loss. I was terrified of loss again. I did not want to suffer alone again, if we suffered a second miscarriage. So we told our families our exciting news and told them of our cautious journey. I was full of worry for the next 9 months. Yes, every milestone we hit helped ease the fear and the worry. But it never went away, until I had our son in my arms. I never really got to enjoy pregnancy, never allowed myself to get excited. I was trying to protect myself from the hurt of getting too attached. Instead, I created separation. I loved our son very much, do not misunderstand. I just found it very hard to connect with him, even after he was in my arms. I had created such a barrier of falling too hard, that I struggled to connect. There were other circumstances that added to my struggle to connect as well, but this all did not make it any easier. I love my son very much and we have a great connection now, it just was held up by the walls I created to protect myself from the "what if." I suffered more. I look around at those who were pregnant around me and they were in bliss. I lived in fear. I went to the OB over everything and even the ER a few times. I was a worry wart and just could not enjoy the magic of being pregnant. A mark that I had experienced loss.
Now here I am again. Expecting a second, third? How do you even say it? We are expecting again, it is the easiest. So we are here, joyously expecting to grow our family and for our son to become a big brother, and those fears are back. They have resurfaced. And I know they are not just my fears. We both struggle. They crept in the very moment the positive showed on the pregnancy test. I was very early on. I knew that. I guessed I was only 3ish weeks along. I tested often leading up to my first appointment. Just to make sure it was still a positive and I was still pregnant. Not that it means a darn thing. Just part of the crazy having a loss has left me with. We shared our news with our closest family and friends, almost immediately. I wanted a support system in place for the just in case. I would not suffer alone ever again. But then our news was spilled and I had an extreme moment of panic and my fears blew up! Both our fears did. The "what if" flooded back into my life. I was terrified. We had not even had our first appointment, our first ultrasound. We knew nothing and yet now more people than we cared to share with knew our news. Sadly, nothing I could do, it was out and spreading like a fire. Thankfully, a few days later I had our first appointment, followed by an ultrasound. Measured just over 6 weeks. And all was perfect (as it can be that early on). The heart flickering away. Such a sweet blessing. First milestone passed. A little relief, but still means nothing. The fear is still there. I am now 12 weeks. I have heard our sweet peanuts heartbeat at our OB's office and thanks to a sweet friend who sent me her fetal doppler, we are able to hear our little's heartbeat anytime we want. It is such a sweet relief and blessing.
I have a long road (6 more months) ahead battling the fear of loss, trying to keep it from creeping in. But with that, I will say this, I am trying very hard to approach this pregnancy different. From day one of this pregnancy, I have tried to approach our pregnancy with hope, instead of fear. Obviously, I have bad days and fear creeps in. But everyday I start out by saying I am pregnant TODAY. I will live for today and enjoy being pregnant for today. I am allowing myself to fall completely in love. I am not letting my fears stop me. My love for this baby is greater than my fear. Fear will not change the outcome. It only prevents me from fully experiencing one of the most beautiful things I women can ever experience. Yes, horrible morning sickness, pregnancy symptoms and all. I will love every moment. If we happen to have another loss, I want to know I enjoyed everyday with our little one in the best way I ever could. Nothing is certain. There are no guarantees. So today I am breaking my silence. I am sharing my pain and my joy. We have been blessed with THREE babies so far in life and I will celebrate each of them. Our angel. Our rainbow, Samuel. And our hopeful little peanut.
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